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by Cutthemustard



Category: Janet King (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-18 17:00:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29493207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cutthemustard/pseuds/Cutthemustard
Summary: Two years back at the DPP Janet finds herself on a night out with Owen when she bumps into a familiar face.
Relationships: Bianca Grieve/Janet King
Comments: 27
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

“So you in? Free champagne dinner, a better setting for this conversation than here don’t you think?” Owen waited for Janet to decide. She looked around the office that she’d taken back at her request; case notes piled high, leather bound wisdom filed neatly on the shelves, a photo of the twins pride of place next to her screen. The moment she had stepped back into it two long years ago, she felt like she had never been away. Clearly Owen would have an ulterior motive for taking her to Commissioner Wilson’s retiral dinner, but she didn’t really care what the reason was. She needed to get out of the house and out of her head for a few hours. No doubt he wanted to work the room, figure out his next play, take another step up the ladder with his star prosecutor by his side. He was more than comfortable with Janet at the DPP, as long as he was in charge. Had the roles been reversed it would have been a very different story. If anything, Owen liked having her there - she was a reminder he had won, a good sounding board for the hard stuff who kept him on his toes. For her part Janet enjoyed the familiar rhythms of the court system and had managed to contain her frustration that he had somehow ended up as her boss. It wouldn’t always be this way, of that she was certain. Grateful for the predictable chaos that unfolded within these walls, she was content to wait. Part of her missed it in those tumultuous years at the Royal Commission and the NCC. Not that her own ambition had dissipated; she was still figuring out her own next move and when to take it.  
“Sure. Why not.” She said with a flourish of her hand.  
“Great. And hey it’s a black tie event, a lot of the higher ups will be in uniform.”  
“And there was me planning to come in my trackies.” Her sardonic smile settled as her patience with Owen evaporated.  
“You know...maybe in a different world we could have been the ultimate power couple.” His wry smile matched hers.  
“Shut up Owen.”

They were early, which gave them access to more free champagne and some quiet time to chat about where they were professionally, where they were going next. Janet looked around at the elaborate set up in the hall; the candle lit tables, the lectern being positioned for the speeches, the harried staff meeting their every need. Red velvet drapes were hung from metallic structures at an attempt to conceal this was a conference centre by day. It cost a lot of money to insist on the opulence of such a room. All of this for an individual, and Janet quietly considered that no one person could merit such a conspicuous display.  
“So, this is what you get when you reach the top and call it a day...” She sipped her champagne and continued to survey the scene.  
“If you play your cards right.” Owen was also checking out the room, his arm hanging over the free chair next to him while Janet sat thoroughly unimpressed on the other side. She could see that his real focus was on the individuals and couples filing through the door.  
“Really? This kind of thing motivates you does it?”  
“You know me Janet. I’m nothing if not consistent.”  
“I thought that might be why we were here.” She paused, suddenly finding herself irritated, “I mean, did it ever occur to you to just do a good job for the sake of doing a good job? Instead of angling for more at the first opportunity.” She took another sip. Someone filled her glass.  
“It’s good news for you. After a few conversations tonight the DPP could potentially be all yours...if you want it.”  
“Yeah, well. Not sure this is the best time actually. Got a lot going on.” As was so often the case these days, Janet was mentally somewhere else.  
He cleared his throat, “How is your mum?”  
“The same. No spread, so, that’s something... Thanks. For being supportive. For being flexible, I’ve really appreciated it these past few months,” She stared into her glass.  
“Of course, whatever you need. Look, I’ve enjoyed the past couple of years, even the tussles. But I’m serious about a move. You’d be mad not to take the DPP on. You run rings around everyone else. Always have.” It was as close as he could get to a compliment or apep talk.  
The band played the beginning of what sounded like Mack the Knife several times and a singer in a tux repeated ‘one two one two’ into the microphone. Janet was starving. She asked one of the waiters when dinner would be served. When the boy said 8.30 she glanced at her watch, appalled to find it was only 7.40pm. 

“Owen I distinctly remember you promised food.” Janet looked at her plate, trying to figure out on what grounds this could possibly be described as a main course. He laughed at the disgust she was making no attempt to hide from the waiting staff.  
“Quality not quantity Janet.” He took his first bite, consuming half of what was on his plate. Janet began her own meagre offering and drank more of her wine. She knew she’d already had far too much. She needed sustenance, carbs, a vegetable in its entirety at least. It seemed completely reasonable to request more bread rolls for the table, and the boy from earlier couldn’t hide his amusement when he presented them to her. While she was starting on her second, her eyes were drawn to the door. Someone was rushing in late, patting down their uniform. A woman with brown hair and blue eyes and a familiar frame. A woman who looked like home. By the time it dawned on her that the woman was staring at her too, she realised that for far too long a time her eyes had been locked with those of Bianca Grieve.  
“Janet! Are you listening?” Owen said.  
“Sorry, what?” She reluctantly pulled away. Owen turned his head to see what had been holding Janet’s gaze, and smirked when all became clear.  
“Never mind. I see someone else has your attention.”  
Janet felt her face flush, rolled her eyes, rubbed her shoulder, thought about leaving.  
On the other side of the room Bianca took her seat amongst her peers and made apologies for being late. She knew what these things were like, and had eaten before she arrived. She happily started on the beer one of the waiters sourced for her. Settling in, she chanced a second glance at Janet, who looked exquisite in her black dress; hair up, loose tendrils gracing her neck. She could remember exactly how it felt, to play with it in the morning light at the weekend, those precious moments before the kids piled in. 

An hour and two speeches in, someone had the good sense to announce a break and the band struck up their first tune. With some nervous curiosity Janet noticed Bianca walking towards their table.  
“Hey, good to see you both.” She took a chair from the edge of the room and sat in between them. “How are things at the DPP?”  
“Not too bad all things considered. Janet might have a different perspective though.” Owen said. “How’s life in the fast lane? You’re in Intel now right?”  
“Yeah. Has its moments. I like the team, enjoy when we get a good outcome. Less keen on the rest of it.”  
“The team and the outcome are the only things that matter.” Janet said, turning to take her in properly.  
“Try telling that to the party table.” Owen and Janet smirked, and looked over at the straight white males Bianca had just left. All were in their fifties, jaded and self satisfied at the same time. Finding herself a Superintendent after her stint at the NCC was a bigger surprise to her than anyone else. Those first few months it became clear that as well as her solid track record she had been appointed to offset the dominant culture. Bianca was perceived as different enough to tick a box, but quiet enough to take direction from the old guard. The conflicts piled up quickly as her direct superiors discovered she was a lot more determined than they had been led to believe. Yes she was reliable and calm, but she had always been resolutely confident under that countenance. She loved the job, but it had taken its toll of late. On a few occasions she had thought about Janet’s professional persona and how she coped with the public pressure. She understood her more from the vantage point of a leadership position.  
The band played on, the Commissioner's taste for the Rat Pack era setting the tone for the evening. They continued to talk about work, and Janet continued to avoid eye contact with either of them. She occasionally eyed Bianca’s uniform instead. The blazer with various motifs meant something to the cops in the room, but it was the pale blue shirt underneath that meant something to Janet, revealing just enough to remind her how it felt to take it off. Emboldened by the champagne, and aware that the Commissioner's speech would most likely last double the others, she turned and placed her hand on Bianca’s knee. Made a proposal.  
“Superintendent Grieve I don’t believe we ever shared a dance together. Shall we rectify that?” She held out her hand, standing up to show she was serious. Bianca gave a half smile, rose to meet her, grasped the hand and led her to the floor. 

As they nestled themselves in amongst the other couples the band started up their version of “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”. Janet pulled Bianca close, intending some kind of shuffle while having a more personal conversation than had been on offer at the table. Bianca had other ideas.  
“If we’re going to do this then we should do it properly. I’ll lead. So your hand goes here-” she lifted Janet’s left hand and gently placed it on her shoulder, “And my hand goes here,” she placed her own on Janet’s hip. Their free hands were clasped together and held out to the side. “See, perfect frame. Now you’re easier to manoeuvre.” She exerted pressure on the curve of Janet’s left side as she said this.  
“I had no idea you were such an expert on dancing.” Janet was teasing her, and couldn’t help laughing, remembering how easy it was to be herself with this woman she had loved; how natural it felt to flirt and enjoy the moment. There was so much potential at the start, it hurt to think about why they hadn’t grown. Another familiar feeling pulsed through her, as she acknowledged the physical effect of Bianca’s hands on her.  
“Yeah well, there was a lot we never got to I guess. I was a champion when I was a kid.”  
“You always were versatile.” She briefly took her hand from Bianca’s shoulder to place an imperceptible caress at the base of her neck, quickly returning it in case she was scolded for breaking their frame. Bianca appeared to ignore it, brought the conversation back to safe ground.  
“How are the kids?”  
“Yeah they’re good. All well. Liam’s going through a quiet phase that I haven’t quite got to the bottom of but otherwise fine.”  
“And your mum?”  
“She’s not too...She’s really sick. She was diagnosed with breast cancer last year.”  
“I’m so sorry. That’s awful...Must be tough on you all.” She let the words be heard and brought Janet ever so slightly closer. Bianca had always been comfortable showing how emphatically and completely she cared about her. Her words, the way she let herself be fully present, Janet was never in any doubt that she cared. It was with relief that she observed it was still there, in some capacity.  
Bianca squeezed her hip, “And you? Whose taking care of you?”  
The tears in Janet’s eyes came to nothing. She contemplated what she really wanted to say. No one was the real answer. Tony was around and always a reliable ear, but if she was honest, no one had ever taken care of her like Bianca had, and she doubted anyone ever could. She lived with the consequences of taking that uncompromising love and care for granted.  
“I’ll be fine. Always am. How are your family?”  
“Yeah fine thanks, same as always. My niece started High School.”  
“Wow. That makes me feel old.”  
They danced on, Bianca’s thumb caressing her side. Janet made to say something, hesitated, searched Bianca’s face for the answer to what had been on her mind through the speeches, ”What happened to us?”  
If Bianca was surprised she hid it well.  
“You broke my heart, remember?”  
“It was you that left me.”  
“I had no choice....You made me feel like an after thought.” Bianca paused, “You know, I would have done anything for you.”  
Janet let her head fall, finding rest against Bianca’s. She closed her eyes and breathed her in.  
“Janet...I’m with someone.”  
She pulled back and smiled weakly, “Of course you are. But let me just pretend, until the end of this song, that I didn’t make the biggest mistake of my life. And we’re here together having a break from the kids before I take you home.”  
They danced on in silence. Bianca recognised immediately the very particular dilemma she had always felt when around Janet, torn between an innate desire to protect and love her at all costs and the fury of the way she made her feel with her sporadic affection. It had taken two years and a chance meeting to get any kind of response from her, a response that really Janet had no right to after all this time. Yet it moved her, and she couldn’t deny that she wanted to hear it. When the song ended they held each other close, Janet said how good it was to see her before returning to her table. 

The Commissioner knew his audience and curtailed his autobiography to a respectful twenty minutes. Janet sat in contemplative silence for the rest of the evening while Owen mingled. She felt the need for a Scotch, and wished that Tony were here to share one with her. The young waiter she now shared some kind of affinity with brought her a large one. When Owen returned he was feeling brave, sensing Janet’s sadness.  
“Ever think about striking out there, playing the field a bit? I take it you and Bianca are not...”  
“No we’re not...I don’t do playing the field. Not interested.”  
“Doesn’t need to be Bianca per se, but someone like her, to- “  
“There’s no one like her.”  
She really didn’t care that she had given herself away. It was nothing compared to the pain of knowing that Bianca really had moved on, and if she had found it in herself to do something about it at the time, that needn’t have been the case.  
Owen sighed, dropped it.  
Bianca approached to say goodbye, placed a hand on Janet’s shoulder, “It really was nice seeing you both. If I can help in anyway, with your mum, even just to talk, you know where to find me.”  
“Yeah, thanks. Good night.”  
“Night.” Owen said, watching her go and then turning to Janet, who was nursing her Scotch.  
“I know you’re not up for talking about this. But she didn’t have to say that, and you could use a friend right now from where I’m standing.”  
She raised her glass to her lips and savoured the burning liquid as it warmed her insides. He was right - she did need a friend. But of all the scenarios she had played out in her mind these past two years without her, being friends with Bianca was the most difficult to imagine.


	2. Chapter 2

When Bianca arrived home she had every intention of talking through her evening. Turning her keys, she decided that she would include Janet but leave some details out. If there was one aspect of her current relationship that worked well it was that they talked, but she didn’t want to get into any difficult territory when it came to her feelings about Janet. She had long since sealed off that area in her own mind, and was determined that no one would prise it open again, least of all the woman that she was trying to enjoy her life with. Getting back together with Lisa six months after leaving the NCC had been like turning on a tap. It was a relief to talk again with someone who knew her well, who was also a cop. She appreciated what had been missing with Janet; being able to convey her emotions knowing that she wasn’t the only person in the room keeping tabs on how the other felt. Reciprocated affection was enough to subdue any yearning for Janet most of the time. As the months passed by, the highs of those days receded into memory, but the pain held firm. She grudgingly moved on and she was happy. Kind of.  
As she flicked on the kettle and made her way into the living room she noted that her partner’s red hair was in the same mess of a ponytail it had been in when she left; it looked like she hadn’t moved at all. The only addition to the scene was a few scrunched hankies strewn on the floor. The news rolled in the background and Lisa didn’t look round to greet her, mumbling a mindless hey, how was your night instead.  
Bianca made her way to the couch slowly and kneeled down beside her, noticed her blood shot eyes.  
“Hey. What’s wrong?”  
“I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have I know. I couldn’t help myself.”  
“Shouldn’t have what?”  
Lisa started to cry and couldn’t speak. Bianca placed a hand on her arm, consoling her, looking up and down the length of her. She knew what it was, and what the outcome had been. But she wanted Lisa to say it.  
“I took the test. It didn’t take.”  
Bianca swallowed down her frustration, her disappointment, her anger and yes, a little bit of relief.  
“We agreed. We agreed we would do it together. I wanted to share that moment with you no matter what the result.” She tried to keep her words calm, to be supportive, but part of her felt betrayed. She wrapped an arm around Lisa for a few moments, placed a careful kiss on her head and got up to make tea. She assembled what was needed and wondered what it was about her relationships that nurtured these feelings. How she had ended up with someone as fiercely determined as Janet, and someone as obstinately determined as Lisa. Either way, their tunnel vision drove them from her, leaving her lonely even in their presence. Experience had resigned her to always feeling this way; like someone was pushing her to the side of her own life. 

Janet came to appreciate the time spent with her mother during the long hours of treatment more than she had ever thought possible. It was more than simply being a good daughter and supporting her through a dark time. Being cocooned in nondescript rooms was now a regular feature of her diary, one that Owen had factored into her case load.  
After a few weeks she could tell that the quiet oasis, where she could think and simply sit by her mum’s side, was calming her own mind, allowing her to see patterns emerge before her eyes. Prior to these familial meditations she would have sworn there was no real shape to her life, only a series of damaging events that she had tried her best to deal with. It was a perverse badge of honour, how much she could take and still be a force in her field. But as she mulled it over, she began to see that there was a pattern; in how she responded to threat, in how she treated others, in how she invested in work above all else.  
Her mother, who was more perceptive than she gave her credit for, picked up on Janet’s need for this time torn off to wander amongst her thoughts, and mostly left her to it. But she could tell from Janet’s insistent chatting today that something had unsettled her. That there was something on her mind.  
Janet picked up the battered note book by her mum’s side, “Only you could keep a gratitude journal going through cancer treatment mum.” Her long fingers flicked through the pages as she noted it was nearly full, that she would need to buy her a new one.  
“Of course, this is when I’ve needed it most.”  
Janet pursed her lips, drew her eyes from the woman she had always felt so close to and yet apart from. Her attempts at self care may have extended to exercise and yoga, but it was all in the name of being better prepared for the battles at work. It had very little to do with putting her own well being first. And yet, she had put the time in all the same, at the behest of her mum, who was also hoping that Janet would one day find the time to prioritise her mental equilibrium. She was still waiting.  
“I was out on Friday night. At a fancy dinner.”  
Her mother offered a wide smile. Let her continue.  
“Bianca was there.”  
“Oh really. That must have been strange, to see her after all this time. What did you learn?”  
Janet’s face scrunched in bemusement, “What did I learn?”  
“Yes. You were in the company of someone you cared for very much, that you hadn’t seen in a long time. What did you learn?”  
She thought about the question, unnerved by her mother’s ability to cut through to the heart of the issue. What she had learned was something she had already suspected. That she was still very much in love.  
“Well, I learned that she has a partner. So...”  
“That’s not what I mean.”  
“Yeah but it’s a critical piece of information don’t you think?”  
Her mum sighed, “What did you learn about yourself, your own feelings?”  
Janet grasped her mum’s hand, noticing how withered it had become, how much weight she was losing.  
“That I made a mistake. That I don’t always fight for the right things. That I miss her more than I realised...” When the tears came, her mum welcomed her into a long hug.

A few weeks later, a fragile truce declared at home, it had been no surprise to Bianca that Janet hadn’t been in contact. What did catch her attention though, was an email from Owen Mitchell. He said he wanted to meet with her to speak about ‘current overarching themes within the Intelligence department’ to which she had scoffed and rolled her eyes. He had invited her to the DPP and so here she was, sitting in the middle of a thoroughfare of an office, trying to find Janet and indulge in some quiet observation before the meeting. She eventually spotted her holding court in the conference room; hip jutting out with a hand on her side, hair up with some strands falling onto her grey suit, eyes taking in every person in the room with a look of intent. It was a look that only she could give - making you feel like the most important person in the world, making you forget that you had a self at all. Within a few minutes Bianca watched her veer from one emotion to the next. Serious, earnest, furious, exasperated and finally, after pouncing on someone’s document to point something out, satisfied. She had clearly won whatever argument had been unfolding. Bianca then sensed the mood change, as she threw her head back in laughter. She understood that this was her natural environment. She understood that this was Janet at play. It suited her.  
“Hey, Superintendent Grieve thanks for waiting.” Owen ushered out his previous visitor and welcomed her into his office.  
“No problem. I’m off duty, happy to hang around. Curious to find out why I’m here.”  
“All in good time.” His eyes gleamed from thick black rimmed glasses. Bianca considered herself a pacifist, regardless of the people she had shot and killed, but when around Owen she had to admit that he had a face she would like to punch. 

Janet was in flow at her desk, utterly absorbed in work. Her final preparations were coming together and she could sense she was onto something with the approach she had outlined in the meeting. She had her profession and she had her kids, and for large swathes of time it was enough. It really was a gift she had given herself; the ability drawn from years of hard work to switch to professional mode and put aside any daily concerns or worries. As much as she could appreciate she had frequently got the balance wrong, she loved it all the same. When she was immersed in it as she was today she was simply glad to be here, caught up in the intricacies of a case, a million miles away from the ‘lot going on’ that seemed to have become a personal mantra. Which is why when she heard a voice come from nowhere she got the fright of her life.  
“So this is where the magic happens.” Bianca grinned, enjoying how much she’d startled her.  
“Hey.”  
“I had a meeting with Owen, thought I’d say hello. He’s up to something I think.”  
Janet took her time to respond, digesting the image in front of her. Bianca looked fresh and relaxed in her jeans, peach sleeveless top and easy smile. She was hovering in front of her sofa. The one where she read when she was stuck. What she wouldn’t give to have her on it right now.  
“Yeah. When is he not.” She cleared her throat. “I’m sorry I didn’t get in touch after the other night. I’d had a lot to drink...I’m fine really. And for obvious reasons, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to attempt a friendship.”  
“It’s fine Janet. You don’t need to apologise. How are things with your mum?”  
“She’s fine, having plenty of good days at the moment. Thank you for asking.”  
She looked back down at her papers. She meant it as a signal for Bianca to go. It was a signal Bianca ignored.  
“What are you working on?”  
Janet put down her pen, sat back in her chair, “A hit and run. I’m pushing harder for jail time. He left one dead teenager and another with life changing injuries.”  
Bianca nodded, “You want to get coffee? Explain the finer points to me? I’ll give you my thoughts. I’m highly skilled at the walk and talk these days.”  
Janet met her gaze across the desk. There are moments when you know you’re choosing one path over another. They had already experienced a number of these together and the memory of those times, good or bad, made this harder. She looked down at the folder in front of her and rubbed her neck to buy some time, trying to distinguish between the rational thoughts in her head and the ones surfacing because of her want.  
“Colleagues, not friends.” Bianca said, her mischievous grin testing the limits of Janet’s restraint.  
“Sure. That would be great.”  
Their non friendship continued under the guise of work every few weeks, neither of them quite certain if it was helping to keep them sane or achieving exactly the opposite.


	3. Chapter 3

The terms of their meetings were never fully articulated, but unspoken rules were adhered to nonetheless. Suitable topics included: work and its many quandaries; the twins; her mother’s condition; the occasional childhood story. Out of bounds was anything that took place at the RC or NCC, what had gone wrong between them, what the hell it was they were actually doing now. Then there was the ultimate red line, the do not enter - Bianca’s relationship status. If either sensed a possible turn in direction towards any of these, they brought the conversation back towards safer territory with the help of the other.  
So far they had only met in Janet’s office. In part this was because Bianca was still meeting with Owen, though she wouldn’t explain why. It was starting to grate on Janet that she wouldn’t, that there was something afoot that she wasn’t involved in. Bianca enjoyed her irritation.  
“That’s the nature of intelligence Janet. It ceases to be intelligent when it’s divulged.”  
Janet worked on the salad Bianca had brought her. It was easier to block off an hour at lunch than go for ad hoc coffees throughout the day.  
“Oh come on. I could find out if I wanted to anyway. I may well be running this place in a couple of months.”  
“So I heard. Are you definitely going for it?” She finished up her own lunch, gingerly wiped her face and hoped she wasn’t a mess.  
“Not sure yet. I think about the age the kids are, how important it is I can give them the right kind of attention.”  
“You always did. And think what an incredible example you’ll be setting them. Not that you haven’t already.”  
“You know Liam was being bullied for not having a phone? He’s barely ten. If I was too caught up in this place I might not have noticed.”  
“You wouldn’t let that happen.” Bianca was decisive, clear in her encouragement. It baffled Janet, who assumed that given her previous weakness for being lost to other people’s causes Bianca would have urged caution.  
“I’m surprised you think I should. You know more than anyone how obsessive I can be about work.” She made sure to watch her response closely, the intimation to their past was an unnecessary risk but curiosity got the better of her. Taking a long drink of her water, Bianca thought through her reply, deciding that Janet’s risk should be met with reward.  
“You’re different here. I think in the past, you were pulled in too many directions. There was nothing left for anyone else. You have one focus at the DPP and that’s justice for victims after the fact, not putting the whole world to rights.”  
Janet smiled, thankful for Bianca’s honesty. She knew what she meant. The parameters at the DPP were much clearer and in some ways going for this job felt like her destiny. It would take a supreme effort not to put herself forward. And she might never get another chance. She also agreed with the subtext of what Bianca had said, reflecting not for the first time, that if she hadn’t gone to the NCC to be near her in the first place their relationship might have been all the stronger for it.  
“I’ve always felt at home here. And I want the job. But it’s my mum too...” She let her head tilt, grappling with her conscience about taking on such a massive role with an ailing parent.  
“How is she?”  
Janet shook her head. There wasn’t going to be much more time.  
“Could be months, but it won’t be more than a year.” Bianca watched carefully as Janet allowed herself to feel the reality of the words for a moment before rallying herself to the present. She gave her a sympathetic smile but didn’t force anymore talk about it.  
“How’s Tony?”  
“He’s good. Still thick as thieves with the kids. Emma actually asked if he was going to move in with us.”  
“I can see that.” Bianca raised both eyebrows, poised for Janet’s appalled response.  
“You must be joking. I couldn’t afford to keep him in Scotch for one thing.”  
Bianca laughed. A faint electronic noise interrupted them. Irritation crossed her face as she read something on her phone. She tapped away at a response to whoever had sent the message.  
“I should go. Have a debrief and a budget meeting the other side of lunch I’m afraid.”  
Janet began to tidy her desk, thought about when she would next see her. “Sure. So when’s your next clandestine meeting?”  
“Actually Owen is putting together a few things for me. Why don’t we make it my place next time and you can bring it over. To my office I mean. If you want to.”  
“Great. Be good to have carrier pigeon on my CV before any interview.”  
Bianca rolled her eyes, flashed a smile. “I’ll see you. Love to your mum.”  
“Thanks.”  
Janet followed her navy suit and brown ponytail for as long as she could make her out. With that she was gone. She looked around her office and allowed herself to deflate. It always took her a few moments to adjust to a room that suddenly no longer had Bianca in it. 

It was Lisa’s turn to make the Friday night dinner. She had gone for Mexican because it was Bianca’s favourite, spicy and fun, as she had said many years ago, assembling a Taco on one of their first dates. She was six years younger than Bianca but no less astute. She knew things between them had been stifled recently, and had put it down to taking the pregnancy test without her. They would have to talk about it, and Lisa wanted the mood to be right. Having come to the end of the four attempts they had agreed, Lisa was planning what to do next while Bianca was avoiding the issue. There never seemed to be enough time to have a proper conversation and tonight was to be the reckoning of sorts. But after a chat with a colleague she had discovered another possible reason for Bianca’s distance. One that troubled her. As she laid out the various small plates and cutlery, she hoped that Bianca would bring it up first - that she had been seeing Janet King.  
“Hey. Smells great, what can I do?”  
“Nothing, just sit down, I’ll get you a beer.”  
“Thank you.” Bianca said, taking a seat at their small dining table. She was glad to be at the end of a stressful week. Highlights included being forced to cut people from her team and a botched undercover operation. Strategic meetings and budget reports had sucked the life out of her, and all she wanted to do was take the edge off, think about anything else other than work.  
“How’s work been?”  
“An absolute nightmare. But fine. How about you?” Bianca said.  
“Same.”  
After a few scant details about the reasons why their work was so difficult, variations on themes familiar to them both, Lisa raised her first area of contention. Bianca was concentrating on her food.  
“I’ve...been looking into what we might do next. If we decide not to try again through the clinic.”  
“We already did decide not to do anything more through the clinic. We agreed. Four attempts.”  
“We could easily afford another two.”  
Bianca put down her burrito, wishing she was able to focus on that and not this conversation, which needed alcohol, not party food.  
“It isn’t about the money. I’m tired of this being the focus of our entire lives. I worry about how upset you get when it doesn’t work out.”  
“I’ll be fine. The worst possible scenario for me is not doing everything we could.”  
“We did do everything we could.”  
It stung at times how final Bianca could be. How unwilling she was to bend when it came to this. She wasn’t like that during other negotiations they’d had, and Lisa was suspicious about what lay behind it. She decided to try a different approach.  
“Kelsey said you’ve been round at the DPP recently. Meeting with Janet.”  
Bianca was open mouthed, about to inhale more of her dinner. She placed it on the plate slowly, aware her every move was being assessed.  
“I’m working with Owen Mitchell on a case he’s reviewing. And yes, I’ve had the odd coffee with Janet. I couldn’t just ignore her, and her mum is dying. She isn’t the kind of person who collects many friends.” Her voice was soft. She wasn’t having a go. But she was clear in her own mind, most of the time, that she was doing nothing wrong.  
“And you’re really the best placed person to support her?”  
Bianca took a large swig of her beer so that she could open a bottle of wine all the sooner. She pushed her plate away and closed her eyes. She wasn’t sure what to say. But she was certain that her reluctance to pursue having kids was not related to a few cursory meetings with her ex. Lisa cut in before she could explicitly say so.  
“Look. You forget that I’m the one that actually had an affair. I know how it starts. It’s just a thought in your head, and what harm can that do. She’s vulnerable so that’s your excuse. Then before you know it you’ve already mentally crossed a line so why not do it in reality....”  
“I’m not having an affair.”  
“Not yet....You know the worst thing about it wasn’t how much I hurt you, it was how much it changed my relationship with myself.” Lisa searched for the right way to put it, sought out the eye contact that she needed from Bianca before finding the words. “I don’t want that for you. You’re too honest and too kind to carry that kind of guilt around. I trust you to manage whatever it is that you’re doing. But I’m hurting, and I need you too.”  
She got up, cleared the plates, took a bottle of Bianca’s favourite wine from the top shelf of the fridge and poured two glasses. Bianca remained seated, she wasn’t used to feeling this uncomfortable in her own skin, and accepted there was truth in what Lisa was saying. She went over to offer a hug, one that she needed too.  
They spent the night on the sofa watching questionable tv and listening to music from happier times in their relationship. Returning to the issues around kids now and then, Bianca tried to explain that when she looked at their life together, at their established careers; it was enough. She didn’t want to endanger what they did have by cramming it full with responsibility. A baby now would hit their teenage years as she was about to retire. She thought she was getting through to her, that Lisa’s silence was due to acceptance as well as tiredness. Then she took Bianca’s hand and turned to face her, enunciated every word with clarity. “I want a family Bianca. I might not know how I’ll create it yet, but I’m going to do it. With or without you.”  
She made her way to bed and left Bianca, spent and empty, on the sofa. She stayed put for a while, absorbing songs from her youth while finishing her wine. The singer pined and warned about the importance of accepting people for who they were, for not trying to change them half way down the road. She wondered what Janet was doing, almost texted her but didn’t, called it a night. 

A lot of things became clear to Janet as she was sitting patiently in Bianca’s office. The first was that this would be the highlight of her week, that she had counted down the hours to being here with far more anticipation than was normal for a meeting with a colleague or indeed a friend. The second was that the expensive sushi lunch she splashed out on, complete with small cake and card for her birthday, was a step too far for a casual acquaintance. She pushed the bag underneath Bianca’s desk with her foot, contemplating the idea that she ‘forgot’ to bring lunch rather than present her with it. The third, as she watched Bianca through the window, was that this would be one of those days where she couldn’t look her in the eye for fear of revealing what was on her mind. Watching her stride along and be interrupted by several of her team, Janet finally got what was different about her, where the self assurance had come from. The confidence she exuded as she quietly commanded the department reminded Janet of those days at the RC when she couldn’t get her words out fast enough, when she bounced through the office with suggestions, masterfully orchestrating their surveillance, fascinated with the larger arch of police work and not just its details. She could tell by the way the younger cops looked at her, that she wasn’t the only one who admired what she saw. Though she had a sense of Bianca’s new professional life in their previous meetings, witnessing it at source was a different experience entirely. When Bianca finally opened the door and her face beamed at the sight of her, the tension Janet felt was palpable.  
“Hello. Good to see you. Sorry it took so long to get out of that meeting. I’m starving.”  
“I um...I forgot. Sorry, I didn’t forget, I mean. About your birthday. I got you a special lunch. Happy birthday.” Janet grabbed the bag and put it unceremoniously on her desk. Mortified at tripping over her words.  
“What’s all this,” Bianca peered in the bag. “You didn’t have to do that.”  
“Just wanted to say thanks. For your time. For not being my friend.”  
“Thank you. This is really nice. Potentially messy though.” She took off her blazer and hung it over a chair, proceeded to roll up her blue sleeves. She took the plastic boxes out, placed the card on her keyboard, chuckled at the individual sized cake. Something through the window caught her attention and she made her way over for a closer look, her back to Janet as she spoke.  
“These two,” she gestured in the direction of two young officers, “are having some kind of relationship. They think I don’t know but it’s obvious. Only I’m not sure that she’s that keen on him any more.”  
Janet was listening but not quite as much as she was looking. Looking at the bra strap she could just about make out midway down her back, the curve where the band of her trousers met her shirt, the play of the muscles in her forearms, the brown hair that had been let down today. When she turned around to face her, it was almost too much sensory information to take in. She groped for something to say, wondering why her faculties had deserted her.  
“You must get a lot of that. You know what offices are like.”  
“I do.” Bianca smiled, the line around one side of her mouth arching into a semi circle. Her eyes glinting with a hint of deliberate cheek. Janet could only stare. How had she got to this point? Where endless flirting with someone she couldn’t have seemed like a good idea. Rational Janet would have to show up soon, rational Janet would have to take over. As she considered this, and tried to formulate some kind of dry but sensible come back, dragging them both to safe ground, Janet could see an attractive officer with red hair behind Bianca’s shoulder looking in on them both. She held off a few seconds, chatting with one of the other cops, but she didn’t take her eyes off them. When she entered the room without knocking, Bianca’s face fell and then, with effort, brightened again.  
“Hey. Lisa.”  
“Hey birthday girl. You were out of it this morning so thought I’d bring you some lunch.” She looked at the table, dropped the bag down beside what was already laid out. “See someone beat me to it. That’s ok. You can add this and make it a buffet.”  
Janet remained frozen in her seat, unsure of what to do or say.  
“Lisa this is Janet. Janet, Lisa” Bianca motioned her arm towards Janet, watched two worlds collide as they shook hands.  
“Nice to meet you.” Bianca’s partner said.  
“Likewise.” Janet smiled, took in the younger woman. She could see them together, it made sense. Lisa was athletic, charming, a calming presence despite the insanity of what was playing out in the room. Not entirely unlike Bianca. She had soft round features and a playful smile. Worst of all, she seemed nice.  
It was Bianca who broke the awkward silence with the even more awkward suggestion that she stay and eat with them. She refused and made excuses to get back to work. Before she went, she made her way over to Bianca. It wasn’t the chaste kiss on the cheek that punctured Janet, it was the lingering touch of Lisa’s hand on her waist.  
“When will you be home?”  
“Um, not sure. Around 6.30 probably. Unless the sky falls in.” Lisa smiled and left.  
Janet, for the first time in her adult life, understood what it meant to ‘feel small’. The sky had already fallen in. A fourth thing became clear: this had to stop.  
“Sorry, I didn’t know she was going to do that.”  
“Why are you apologising. She’s your partner.” Janet was clipped and firm. Rational Janet had finally decided to make an appearance. “We both know this is wrong. It isn’t fair. We should stop meeting like this.”  
Bianca exhaled, looked conflicted, looked around her office. Would not relent when she knew a part of Janet still needed her. “I like it when we’re together. We’re just talking. We’re not hurting anyone.”  
“Sure we are. It’s hurting me.” Janet stood up, gathered her things.  
“No. Please. Don’t go.”  
“Exactly what is this going to achieve?” Janet moved closer to her, close enough to make Bianca have to fight the urge to touch her. “If I can’t have you all of the time Bianca...I don’t want anything at all.”  
Bianca watched her leave and fell into her chair. She lifted the card resting on her keyboard, traced a finger over where Janet had written her name. 

Janet was in the elevator when she remembered the padded brown envelope still in her bag.  
“Shit!” she said too loudly, causing the people around her to turn in surprise. “Sorry.”  
She weighed up her options; give it back to Owen and plead simple forgetfulness, turn back and give it to Bianca. Sleeping on it or leaving it with someone to pass on was appealing, but she didn’t know what was in it and how sensitive it was. When the doors opened she didn’t move, punched the number she needed, sighed as the elevator made its way back up to the fifth floor.  
When she opened the door Bianca was at her desk, reading the card she had given her. The card she had spent ages picking, trying to find something cheerful that didn’t imply too much love and just the right kind of affection, before proceeding to write ‘Thanks for being there. All my love, Janet’ at the bottom anyway.  
“I’m only here to give you this,” she held up the brown A4 envelope like a shield. “Don’t speak to me, don’t flirt with me, don’t say anything...” She turned after throwing the packet on the desk, retreating at speed.  
“That’s a shame, I had a great opening gambit about what a crap carrier pigeon you are.”  
Janet stopped in her tracks but didn’t turn around.  
“Janet I will always, always care about you. I can’t switch it off. Believe me I’ve tried. You really think telling me that I was the biggest mistake of your life was fair? That it would have no impact on me?”  
Using every ounce of strength that she had, Janet walked away.


	4. Chapter 4

Clearly, Bianca had no right to the irritation she felt with Lisa for dropping by her office to wish her a happy birthday. But she also knew that this was not what had actually happened. When she found Lisa staring into space that evening in their kitchen, she admitted as much. She held up her hands.  
“I know, it was a cheap shot turning up like that. But I had to see for myself. She’s even more striking in real life than she is on the news.” Her voice was flat. It was pretty desperate that she had to get a friend to text her when she saw Janet in the building. This was the kind of sordid nonsense she thought was in the past after her own affair. She was beyond anger and now simply fed up. When Bianca offered up no apology, no sincere remorse, she knew what she had to do.  
“I just wanted to help her through a difficult time. But I’ll stop, we’re not going to meet up anymore.” She had difficulty saying it, never mind seeing the abstinence through.  
“I don’t believe that. You don’t want to stop. And I warned you this would happen.”  
Bianca hated this. Hated hurting someone she cared about, hated not being honest about what she was feeling around Janet, hated feeling so powerless in deciding the direction of her own life. She couldn’t take anymore.  
“I don’t understand what’s happening to me.” She sat down and started to cry.  
“I think I do. I think that the story you tell yourself about only being in her life for a while to protect her is just that - a story. When she hurt you and you came back to me, it wasn’t what you really wanted. If it was, you’d throw yourself into starting a family with me with your whole heart. And you’re not.” Lisa stopped, trying to get a sense of how much more Bianca could take. Persisted with what she knew she needed to hear, “I think that your reluctance...it’s because...you already have a family, and they’re just waiting for you to go back to them.” She let it sink in before challenging her, “Tell me I’m wrong.”  
Bianca sobbed into her hands. She could’t say a word. The truth, when first heard from someone else, can be terrifying. No one ever asked, not a single friend or family member, how it felt to sever the growing bond with the kids. The reality was that it had been every bit as hard as walking away from Janet. Lisa took no pleasure in watching her fall apart. When she went over to embrace her it was as a friend, not a partner.  
“You’ll always be the person that helped me grow up, helped me not to make a mess of my life. I adore you for that. But I know what I want now. And I know what I saw in your office. I get the feeling she won’t hurt you this time.” She got up to make her way out of the room, “I’m going to stay with dad for a couple of weeks, give you some space.”  
Bianca held on tightly to her hand, kissed it before letting go.  
“Will you be okay?” Lisa said.  
She nodded and watched as she made her way to their bedroom to collect her things. Lisa kissed her on the head before she left, told her to take care of herself.  
Bianca had no idea how long she’d been sitting when her phone rang and pulled her out of the maze her mind was trapped in, trying to figure out what had become of her life these past few months, what would become of her life now. She knew that when it came to what she wanted it was actually very simple. But when it came to putting that in motion, to making Janet understand, her mind was drawing a blank.  
She took a deep breath and prepared herself for speaking to Owen Mitchell.  
“Hi Owen.”  
“Hey Bianca, looks like we have the green light from the AG. He wants to meet us both tomorrow afternoon. You good to come in around 2?”  
“Yeah sure. See you then.”  
She put down the phone, exhausted and drained. She thought about how angry Janet had been when she left, hoped that she wouldn’t erupt at the sight of her tomorrow, hoped that it would all suddenly make sense in the morning. 

There was a lot of this; sitting in her mum’s back garden, watching the day fade and the kids play, holding her hand and talking about whatever random things were on their minds. Picking up quickly that they were allowed more snacks than usual and some flexibility with their sacrosanct routine, the twins were revelling in the family time despite its sombre quality.  
Janet’s day had been fraught with emotion. She was still processing the embarrassment and in desperate need of the downtime. Which is why she did her best to deflect any questions about work or her personal life. It concerned her that her mum kept going back to them. That she seemed to increasingly have important things that she wanted to say.  
“Your sister tells me you’re in two minds about going for the director position. I hope that doesn’t have anything to do with me.”  
“It doesn’t mum. I’ve just...” She had to stop herself form saying, ‘got a lot going on at the moment’ and decided that she would make a conscious effort never to use that phrase again. Nothing good had ever come of it. She finally accepted that she would forever and always have a lot going on. Most people did. It didn’t stop the things that needed to happen from happening. “I’m tired. I’m really tired. What do you think I should do?”  
“I think that if it excites you, if it's a case of ever increasing circles with how satisfying you find your career, then you should. If it’s about proving something... to me or your father. Well, then, maybe not.” The kid’s laughter rose and fell in the background. “You’re enough Janet. You’ve always been enough. I just wish...”  
“What?”  
“That on occasion, when you need to, you would treat other areas of your life like you do your work.”  
She bristled at the comment. Wanted to hit back with a sharp retort that it wasn’t that simple, but stopped herself.  
“I will try mum. I promise.”  
“I would so love for you to find someone who made you happy.”  
Bianca appeared uninvited in her mind's eye. She felt her stomach contort at the thought of her, of her smile when she had opened the door of her office earlier that day.  
“You seemed happy enough mum, without anyone.”  
Her mum laughed a little too long.  
“What’s so funny?”  
“The arrogance of offspring. Assuming they know everything there is to know about their parent’s lives. You’ll experience the same one day no doubt. I had two partners after your father. One of them made me very happy for a time.”  
“Why didn’t you tell me?”  
She shrugged her shoulders, “I worried about how you would take it. And you were away travelling, starting your own life.”  
Janet was astounded. “I would have been delighted. God, I would have loved to know you were happy with someone. What happened?”  
“Life happened. I took too long to give him what he needed I guess. I was never unhappy, love is everywhere around us Janet, in many forms. But I worry that in not making him a part of the family, even in your twenties, I deprived you of a good role model. He was nothing like your father.” She giggled, remembering some private memory from her distant past.  
“I’m sorry you didn’t get more time with him.”  
“Well, I’m grateful that I got any time with him at all.”  
They sat in silence for a while, both lost in thought.  
“Did you ever see Bianca again?” Her mum asked tentatively. Janet had no desire to recount the melodrama of the day, and decided on a potted version.  
“I did actually, several times. We had a few coffees at work.”  
“And?”  
Janet knew that she was not asking, ‘and what was the outcome’. What she was asking was ‘and how did that feel’. So she thought about it for a while, and gave an honest answer.  
“It was like being hypnotised. Being able to switch off from everything and focus on enjoying this caring, funny, gorgeous person that I love. It was just like old times. But it wasn’t real.” She knew she had to add the finale, to stop her mum getting her hopes up. “I met her partner today. They’re obviously happy, and she seems lovely. But it really hurt, seeing them together. So. I decided that it needs to stop.”  
Janet’s mum couldn’t hide her concern.  
“I guess there’s always one that gets away. Though I do wonder why she would keep seeing you, if she was happy with someone.”  
“You know what she’s like, she has a strong sense of duty. I think part of her feels sorry for me. You have to remember that it used to be her job, to look after me.”  
Janet watched as her mum stifled a yawn, gave the kids a five minute warning that they would soon be leaving. She knew these visits were making her tired, and didn’t want to wear her out.  
“I’m going to apply for the job. But I’ll get to the other stuff too. Eventually.”  
“I know you will darling.” Her mum said, turning her cheek to accept a kiss before Janet gathered up the kids. 

Everything was clearer in the morning. Bianca was glad to wake up on her own, gradually coming to terms with what she was about to do. She made a point of looking good for the meeting, and didn’t even pretend to herself it was for the AG. Her hair was up in a more elaborate bun than she would normally go for, and she put on her full uniform. She arrived at the DPP early, and walked through the office with trepidation. Janet’s empty office left a mixture of relief and disappointment.  
“She’s in court. The AG is running late. Time for a coffee?” Owen said.  
“Sounds good.”  
Bianca followed Owen to his office and took a seat.  
“You still convinced this is the right play at the right time?” He asked.  
“Absolutely. We have evidence now of recent criminal activity that could reasonably cover a dozen serious charges. We don’t need to act now, we could discover more, but we have more than we need. And as soon as it’s done, my feeling is we’ll flush out even more of the lower echelons, which will lead us to more varied players in due course. You’re right, it’s about timing. But I’m convinced the time is now. Aside from all of that. It’s also the right thing to do.”  
“Good. Just checking. You’ll say that in the meeting?”  
“No Owen. I’ll stay quiet and let the big boys do the talking.” God he was annoying. She had no idea how Janet had found it in herself to work for him. “Of course I’ll say it in the bloody meeting.”  
“Alright, alright.” He smiled.  
Their coffee arrived and he changed the subject.  
“Listen, what the hell happened when Janet dropped off that dossier to you yesterday?”  
“Nothing. Why?” She took a sip of her coffee, curious as to where this was going.  
“Between you and me, the instructing solicitor who works with her asked to be assigned to someone else. I asked what had prompted the request and she said that although she had become used to Janet’s terse manner, she was downright psychotic yesterday afternoon during prep for court.”  
Bianca suppressed a smile, “I have no idea. What can I say, she’s an enigma.”  
“She was on the verge of making a formal complaint, until I suggested it might not be the best idea to raise one against the odds on favourite to become the next director of the DPP.”  
“Janet’s going for it then?”  
“Yeah. She told me this morning. Thought you’d already know. You two seem cosy these days. Ah, here we go.”  
They both stood up and followed the Attorney General into the conference room. 

On her way back from court, Janet was doing her best to make amends with Sarah, the timid solicitor who was bearing the brunt of her recent mood swings. They had just won a pretty straightforward case and Janet couldn’t understand why she didn’t seem happier. She decided to try some small talk, despite knowing she was probably the worst person in the entire world at such endeavours.  
“So, do you have plans for the weekend?”  
Sarah immediately looked suspicious, “Not really. Box set with my boyfriend probably.”  
“Good. Exciting. A few drinks as well I imagine?”  
“I don’t drink alcohol. The majority of under thirties don’t actually drink these days.”  
“Good. Good for them.”  
Well, she’d tried. As they climbed the stairs to the office, she could swear that Sarah was snatching looks at her, as if she were watching a wild animal for any sudden moves.  
“Sorry if I was a bit intense yesterday. It was a weird day. I seem to have a lot of those. That’s why I choose to drink heavily.” She laughed, pleased with her joke. Sarah didn’t.  
She exhaled as soon as she was alone in her office. Then she went to make herself a coffee, and had to do a double take when she looked in the conference room. Of course it would be her; looking immaculate and presenting something to the Attorney General with ferocity. Standing watching her, Janet observed her thoughts without judgement, like the mindfulness books on her mum’s shelf advised. One thought was an angry one. She was angry that she was not being allowed to run and duck for cover in peace. Another thought came from the humour reflex. She thought about interrupting the meeting to ask her if she was planning to take up her own office at the DPP. Another thought, the deepest and widest, the one that eclipsed all others, was simply this; let me one day be able to have her close again, to take her in my arms and never let go. If she ever got the chance, she vowed to treat it like work, as promised. She let the thoughts in, and then she let them go.  
On the way back to her office she called in the buffer she needed should Bianca attempt to see her, “Sarah, my office now. Let’s move that debrief to today, get it out of the way.” Sarah jumped out of her seat with some anxiety, she’d had quite enough of this lunatic for one week. Why her peers were jealous that she got to work with her was anyone’s guess. 

They were in the thick of it when she appeared. She looked pleased with herself, glowing from some victory in the meeting no doubt.  
“Sorry to interrupt, mind if I come in?”  
“We’re actually in the middle of something.” Janet smiled, looked back to her work. “I’ll see you.”  
Bianca stayed at the door, thought through her next move. She had to get the girl out of the room, “Can you give us a minute?”  
“Sure.” Sarah stood up.  
“Sit down Sarah.” Janet said firmly, and watched as she slowly lowered herself back into her seat. “Superintendent Grieve I thought I made myself clear about the current trajectory in the meeting yesterday, I have nothing further to discuss with you.” She pored over some details in front of her to reinforce the point.  
A frustrated sigh filled the room. Bianca threw up her hands briefly then moved forward, gripping both on the back of the free chair in front of Janet’s desk. She leaned in, “Not everything is as it appears prosecutor King. The trajectory has changed. We need to talk.” She was reluctant to give up, appeared to be going nowhere.  
Treat it like work, her mum had said. That meant leaving no room for interpretation, for dubiety, for error. It meant not keeping doors closed just because they were uncomfortable to open. Treat it like work.  
“Call me later if it's urgent. I can get Tony to take the kids for a while if you need to drop by.” Janet said as she looked up into Bianca’s eyes.  
“If that works out text me. I’ll be round right away.”


	5. Chapter 5

“Can you give us a minute?”  
Sarah was glad of the interruption. She could get back to the work she should be doing instead of this menial task that could be completed next week at a better time.  
“Sure.” She said, springing up to make her escape.  
“Sit down Sarah.” Her boss demanded. She followed the order, disappointed to have lost her reprieve. As she watched Janet refuse to look up from a task that was beneath her anyway, she realised this encounter was strange. Even for Janet. When the Superintendent lunged at the chair and said something else about trajectories, she thought for a minute she was about to bear witness to a catfight. Her money was on the brunette, though knowing Janet, she would give as good as she got. Then Janet said something about her kids, and looked at the other woman with unbridled need. It clicked. They didn’t want to fight, they wanted to do something else.  
As well as being a sober and industrious twenty something, Sarah was also a sucker for a romance. The sweet, unfurling kind of romance that could only be achieved through the tantalising prospect of unresolved sexual tension finding an outlet. She watched as Janet’s face fell when the other woman left, continued to watch as she grappled with confusion, fear, maybe even some hope. Janet was human after all.  
“How can I help?” Sarah said.  
“What?”  
“You need to sort out your child care. I can finish this on my own, I’ll work through the headline points in the Ferguson case over the weekend. There’s nothing you need to do here.”  
“Are you sure?” Janet asked, thankful for the offer.  
“Positive. Let me do this for you.” She gathered up the files and left her to it, closing the door behind her. 

Bianca sat in the car and looked at the iron gates. She tried to suppress the niggling concern about what would happen when she stepped through the door. Not about what she hoped would happen with Janet, but about what she would feel when she was inside. She knew that Janet had changed in numerous ways, as she herself had in the intervening years since they were together. But she couldn’t shake the feeling that some of her previous insecurity, the pain that she felt when they were never quite equals, would edge in. She needed to make Janet understand that what she was offering was not a physical solution to the explosive conundrum they had become. What she was offering was her whole life and self. It was one thing for Janet to say that she wanted that too, but it was another for her to put it into practise, as she had found out to her cost previously. If all that Janet could give was the arrangement they had before, then she didn’t want anything at all either. Making that clear before sharing the information that they were now free to be together was important. Though she couldn’t say with confidence that she was capable of stating it in the space where they had brought each other to repeated ecstasy as well as despair.  
When Janet opened the door it was with an unusual politeness, and some caution. Bianca had forgotten how different she was in her own habitat. In jeans and a simple white sweater, she emitted a serene, dream like quality that contrasted with her harsher work attire. She was mesmerising.  
“You’re welcome to come in of course, but I thought that might be difficult for you. If you want to go for a drink somewhere to talk, I can grab my things.”  
Bianca’s smile was one of surprise. Such a simple comment probably wouldn’t mean much to an onlooker, but she felt a sudden burst of exhilaration to know that she was finally someone whose feelings registered on Janet’s radar. She wanted to say well done, like a teacher awarding a gold star.  
“Here’s fine Janet.” Bianca brushed past her, braced herself for an onslaught of emotions when she looked at the once familiar domestic landscape. She tapped the side of her thighs nervously and waited, was reassured when they didn’t materialise. Janet offered her a glass of wine and she accepted, following her with nothing but joy and anticipation. Janet wasn’t there with her yet, was still watching her with a guarded optimism. They stood facing each other on opposite sides of the kitchen bench.  
“So, what’s all this about? What exactly have I missed?” Janet took a sip of her wine, eyes on her throughout, and waited.  
“What you saw yesterday, it isn’t how it looks. A lot has changed these past few days.” She hadn’t really planned how she would put this, trusting she would know how when the time came, but it was harder than she thought. She drank some of the wine. It was Lisa she owed for her own clarity, so she reached for her words when failed by her own.  
“I really care about Lisa, she’s my best friend and knows me better than anyone. We were - she was trying to get pregnant, only it didn’t work. She could sense that I was in two minds about it. And when I saw you at that dinner, and every time ever since...” She moved to the other side of the bench to be with her, took Janet’s hands in her own, tried to guide her voice through the weight of her emotion. “Yesterday when she saw us together she said she finally understood the reason I didn’t want to start a family. Why I kept stalling...” She looked at their hands merged together, then back up. ”I already have a family Janet. You and the kids are the family I want, that I miss. And if you’re ready, if that’s something that you might want, I’m ready too. But I need to know if you really are ready, for everything that means.”  
Janet quickly brushed away a few of her own tears, took Bianca’s face gently in her hands. She was searching for the closing statement, was determined Bianca would know the security of it before whatever else was going to happen between them took place. What did she need to hear to be finally convinced? Longer explanations of love could come later. In the end she only needed two words, heartfelt and true; “Welcome home.”  
They smiled, took the time to see each other’s happiness, and leaned in. It was the kiss of two people defined by a love they had once given each other and thought they had lost. More like a pledge; that never again would they make each other experience how that absence felt. Janet occasionally broke their contact to take her in and confirm she was really here, so she could enjoy all over again the rush of a renewed connection.  
The euphoria of the moment soon gave way to the relentless current of desire that lay just underneath all they were; every jibe, every look, every conversation. When Janet’s hands found Bianca’s waist, felt her skin beneath her shirt, she made an involuntary noise then felt a hand gently push her away.  
“What about the kids? When will they be back?” Bianca said, trying to catch her breath. Janet’s smile grew wide as she undid the top button of Bianca’s shirt.  
“The kids,” she undid the second.  
“Won’t be back,” she undid the third, thrilled herself by delicately placing her lips on Bianca’s collarbone.  
“Until tomorrow.” She made light work of the rest and discarded the shirt with a flourish, dancing her fingers along the edges of Bianca’s bra.  
At that, Bianca was through with words. They did them so well that sometimes she forgot they were also very good at being silent. Or almost silent. She felt a hand take hers and lead her in the direction of the stairs. She surrendered herself to what she’d been waiting for. 

Janet marvelled at how well Bianca anticipated the pace she craved. Police work had trained her perfectly; sitting in cars for hours at a time taught her how to wait, assuming various guises to entrap taught her to be playful, and relish when she could be authentically herself. They took their time over every aspect of the performance. Happy to kiss and find novel ways to touch, happy to go further then back up, make each other unsure of the narrative’s progress. Neither were overly focused on the finish line, it was about enjoying the view from the mile they were on. Of course, that often made crossing the finish line all the better. In their previous time together, Janet expected this aspect of their relationship to plateau, saving the really special times for special occasions, like most overworked professional couples probably did. But it never happened. With Bianca there simply was no in between; she brought her whole self to you or nothing at all. Missing her physically had been one of the hardest things to deal with. Janet didn’t fully understand it herself, had been surprised and delighted to discover that you could be renewed time and again by the touch of another person, even while raising two children and carrying a haul of painful experience, even while staggering through to the end of a working week. But it was private, and it was between them, and she had no one to discuss it with even if she wanted to. So when Bianca appeared in her dreams as she frequently did, or in her thoughts as she lay alone at night, Janet was forced to suffer in silence through a keenly felt withdrawal.  
She enjoyed dabbling with mindfulness and meditation on her own terms, but she parted ways with modern wisdom when it came to her sex life. It didn’t really do anything for her to ‘lose herself’ in the moment. She’d tried it once, in a hotel room with Bianca after an evening spent in a bath tub. Having been advised in said bath tub to stop over thinking, Janet embraced the experiment and enjoyed the results. But in the end she always preferred, and was driven wild by, actively thinking about what she was doing; this is my hand undoing Bianca’s jeans, taking off her underwear; these are my fingers finding her wanting; my tongue circling wherever it wants to go; her mouth, working its way up my neck. The detached observation wasn’t detached at all, it informed every touch, kiss and caress, only serving to intensify what she knew was eventually coming.  
“Lie down.” Janet said, watching as Bianca leaned back on the bed; slightly flushed, completely ready. They luxuriated in their togetherness; Janet’s hands had been on her breasts, clasped around her arms, her tongue drawn across the tight and ticklish muscles of her stomach, up and down her hips and calves several times. And she had watched as Bianca rediscovered her body, felt its way around the curves, so obviously captivated by the terrain. She lingered at places where she knew Janet would want her to, and Janet listened to how much it meant to her to express her devotion in this way.  
Janet lowered herself down the bed, watched Bianca’s face as she looked down to watch her. She avoided her eventual destination for now, went in search of the tattoo, pressed her lips against it, allowed her fingers to ever so gently introduce themselves to where Bianca was most in need, heard her moan as she did so. Smiled to herself, consciously thought - this is what I do to her and this is what she does to me. Who would want to lose themselves and fail to fully witness this? The unique and privileged stamp of their intimacy. Janet wanted to curate and preserve every moment. Wanted to watch themselves do this to each other for the rest of their days. Bianca smiled, tried to steady her voice in an attempt to shield the desperation, “Janet, I really can’t wait much longer.” In all of their time together, she had never said that.  
Yes you can, Janet thought, as she deliberately moved up to lie on top of her, raised herself up on her arms. Took in her pleading face and didn’t move. She waited and waited, looked into Bianca’s eyes for as long as she dared. Was soon overwhelmed and could see that Bianca was too.  
“I love you.” Janet said, before returning to her previous position. Placing her tongue firmly at the origin of Bianca’s wetness, working slowly upwards. She thought about the taste, knew that it would remain part of her even after they were finished. Enjoyed that knowledge. She found a rhythm and worked against her, responding to encouragement, utterly thankful to be alive as familiar gasps filled the room. Janet made her own noise, adjusted the pressure, felt a hand slide into her hair, allowed her face to be immersed for the final deft movements. At Bianca’s last and loudest cry Janet remained still, consumed by reverence, allowed the repeated collapsing surges of the body underneath her to take their course. Let Bianca enjoy wherever she was before she started to recover herself. After a few moments, when Janet looked up, trying to catch the exact moment of her return; she could see that Bianca still had her eyes closed, lips slightly parted. Eventually, a satisfied smile emerged.  
Janet didn’t want what she had thought she wanted. For now all she needed was to be close to her again, up beside her, as close to merging with her as she could get while she worked towards her own boundary. She wasn’t very far from it anyway, and simply needed Bianca inside her to get there. Bianca already understood this and reached down to play her part. She didn’t cry out when she felt the touch; it was a low, drawn out sound, one of gratitude, that continued as she felt every single moment of it, was filled with the savouring of the flow of their movements. She did not want it to end. She allowed herself to observe how wonderful it was to be brought to feel this way by her, before reaching her own frontier, the place where she was happy to at last completely lose herself in a resounding Yes. Where her internal commentary ended, her head fell back and her own oblivion began. 

While they were both asleep, at around 6 am, a phone that lay innocently on the kitchen bench started to vibrate. When the buzzing ended, a few moments lapsed, as the phone began to fill with the kind of information that would change your life. The kind of information that would cut short any reunion; no matter how passionate or hard earned. The voicemail icon appeared on screen, the device now loaded.  
But they didn’t know that yet. For now, they were still wrapped in each other’s arms, still sleeping, still wearing the subtle smiles of their good fortune to have found each other again. 

It was a rare occasion for Bianca to wake first. When she did, she always made a point of treasuring the prelude to the lighter way they made love in the morning; with words as well as their bodies. It neatly complemented the gravity of their nights, another facet of their relationship she could never replicate with someone else. She held off for a moment, admiring Janet at rest before taking a few strands of her hair to play with, tucking them behind her ear when she stirred.  
“Morning.” Janet said.  
“Good morning.” Bianca smiled with her whole face, leaned in for a brief kiss. Tried and failed to reign in the smile. How she had longed for this moment; the delicate interlude after their needs were met. Her happiness was spilling over, lying skin to skin with the woman she loved, the hours of the day stretched out before them; their lives not something to be got through but to celebrate and enjoy. Every single day. Even when it got hard, as she knew it inevitably would. She had tried to live like that before, knew herself to be capable of it, but to sustain it you need two people. To get it right, one person couldn’t do the work of two. And she knew, beyond all doubt, that Janet was now finally and forever with her.  
“I keep thinking...of how much time we wasted.” Janet said.  
Bianca thought about it. She didn’t consider the last two years as a waste, not even for a moment.  
“You’re looking at it all wrong. It wasn’t wasted - it was an investment. If it makes us appreciate what we have, if it keeps us together, then it was time well spent.”  
Bianca knew, from the way she was looking at her, that Janet was thinking about how much she loved her. When she started to express that thought through actions rather than words, Bianca let herself go under, reserving the right to return to the many words she wanted to say when they were finished.  
She would have to wait a little longer. Today would be the last uncomplicated Saturday morning they would share for some time. When Janet went to make coffee an hour later, unsteady on her feet, giddy in her heart, she checked her phone. She had a voicemail. She listened as her distressed sister explained there had been some complications with their mother. That she wouldn’t be able to spend her final hours at home after all. That she was on her way to the hospital, and Janet should make her way there too.


	6. Chapter 6

Janet arrived in time to tell her mum the important things. But she didn’t arrive in time for her to be able to respond. She held her hand, told her she loved her, spoke about the impact of the best advice she was ever give. Wanted to believe that she understood what that meant. That the happiness she wanted for her daughter had come to pass, and it was in part because of her own words. When the final moments came and there were was no more talking, Janet felt an odd appreciation to be there, for the weight of her mum’s hand in her own as her life ebbed away. She knew what it felt like not to have this time, and already felt the power of it before the very end.   
She kept her composure throughout the service, her face in repose and her hand in Bianca’s. She had enough experience to know that you simply existed through these bleak hours, allowed yourself to be the vessel for other people’s sympathetic words. All the while trying not to fully register the deeply shocking imagery of the day; a photo of her mum’s beautiful face smiling out from flimsy paper booklets, the casket with her favourite flowers spraying over the edges. Her father sat a few rows behind her. When Bianca first noticed him she had flinched, and Janet made a point of squeezing her hand.   
The family and some of her mother’s friends gathered back at the house, and she listened to the same phrases over and over again. Well meaning phrases that she herself would have said in their position. Finding the energy for small talk with distant relations and people she didn’t even know left her numb, as she knew it would. She sought out Bianca and Tony repeatedly for solace. It was enough just to see them, taking part in their own hushed conversations around the house. Bianca offered drinks, sorted out finger food, tidied up as she went along. Janet was thankful. She was never out with her peripheral vision when she needed her.  
As Tony approached he noticed her eyes follow his old colleague. He had always liked Bianca, had watched with respect as she attempted to chip away at Janet’s defences while at the NCC. He had tried to convince Janet to contact her a number of times after their final days there. Each time he was met with a brick wall, “THAT Ms King, is one of your better decisions if you don’t mind my saying so.”   
She smiled, took a sip of the tea Bianca had insisted she drink. Made plans to put some of it down the sink in due course. “I know that. Thank you.”   
“Heard anymore about your application?”   
“I have. The interview is at the end of the month. In fact I was looking for someone with previous experience of the job to help me prep. Don’t happen to know anyone do you?” She smiled, glad of the company of someone she could laugh with, even on a day like today. Especially on a day like today.   
“As long as you’ve improved the quality of the Scotch you keep I know just the man.”   
“Thanks Tony.” She took his hand, held it tightly. Felt the foreboding when she knew he was about to say goodbye. Another person removed from the scene, the numbers dwindling down, until the awful moment when she would have to sit still with her own thoughts and face what she had lost. 

After an hour of the same, her father was the last to leave. There had been a brief exchange when he first arrived. Asking after the twins and about her work, he had infuriated her by saying nothing about her mother. When she saw him to the door Bianca stayed within ear shot - on guard should her protective bubble around Janet suffer a breech. It was obvious he had something to say.  
“I was thinking about, when I could see the twins. Wondered if you felt that was a good idea.” He stared at Janet, expectant. Assuming she would give way.   
Janet sighed and leaned against the door, “I need some time to think about that. I’m not saying no but there are ground rules I think we need to establish.”   
“Such as.”   
As she tried to formulate them, she realised that she didn’t actually know what they were, she only knew for sure that she wanted them in place.   
“I want some assurances about the regularity of the visits this time. Also, I would like that you refrain from any discussion about what it means to win, or fail for that matter. It’s insidious bullshit and I don’t have time for it Dad...” She tripped at the term, was ultimately glad she had used it. If what little love she had left for him was a weakness in his eyes then so be it. “What I really need is to know we can maintain a civil relationship around them. And for that, we need to have a conversation.” She took a step closer, “If that sounds like something you can commit to then sure. You know where I am.” The exhaustion of the day crept up on her as she said goodbye. She shut the door. Heard the quiet of the house. The only sound was Bianca ‘s footsteps.   
“Everything ok? You did well.” Bianca’s arms circled her and she felt herself relax.   
“So did you. Can’t have been easy seeing him again.”   
“Nothing I can’t handle.” She kissed Janet lightly, stroker her arms. Saw in her eyes how tired she was. “Why don’t you have a lie down. You need some rest.”  
Janet touched her face and gave in, made her way up to bed.   
When she climbed in and saw it on her bedside table, she knew that it probably wasn’t a good idea. She hadn’t cried properly since the hospital and it was guaranteed to set off the inevitable. She picked it up anyway, started reading through some of the inane, complex, surprising things that her mum had been grateful for. She smiled at her angular and jaggy writing, so at odds with the loving and colourful woman she was. And then she saw it; the entry that made her stifle a howl, submit fully to her grief. Dated just a couple of days after she had been to the retirement dinner with Owen - “I have a daughter who can learn.” 

They had a plan for Bianca’s first meeting with the kids, and as she put the house back together she went over it again in her head. Janet would talk to them this week about the very good friend she had once had, who she always cared about very much. Then she would say that they had been spending time together again and she was very happy about that. That she would be really excited if they could all spend some time together - like a movie and some pizza at the weekend. They would know immediately what this all meant, because they were on the cusp of the preteen years now. Janet had warned her that they were different. They still had one eye on her for approval but they had the other firmly on their peers. There were Youtubers who had more influence on them than she did. Especially Emma. She was already some way down the path to deciding her own personhood, her own mental life where Janet of all people was not permitted to enter. If anything, Janet thought it was a good thing; that they probably wouldn’t give much thought to who was spending time with their mum, because they needed less and less time with her themselves. Such was life. It didn’t make her sad, it made her proud; that they were growing up and experimenting with their own independence.   
Bianca wasn’t reassured. She knew that with kids you shouldn’t expect an emotional reunion complete with fireworks and soppy hugs. If they sensed any pressure on them at all, any of your need for their attention and approval, they would be spooked and keep their distance. The long game, the gradual gains of simply being there for the small stuff, were Bianca’s forte, and she would happily play it. But that wasn’t what she felt. She wanted to hug them and play with them and read the stories at night. She didn’t even know if that was still how it worked. She wanted them to love her and wasn’t sure that even with the steady approach this was a realistic possibility. At the start of the day the following weekend still felt like forever away. But in the still of the house she felt her own nerves grow at the prospect. Seeing the twins again was not very far away at all. And she wanted to get it right.  
She closed the dishwasher tight, looking around at a room that now resembled its proper self. As she put the kettle on she noticed Janet’s phone light up, saw that she had some messages from someone called Kate. Had a vague recollection that she was the mother of Kevin, a school friend of Liam and Emma’s. She thought no more of it as she settled with some tea to watch the news. When the door went she cast an eye upstairs, hoping that the noise would not disturb Janet. She opened the door and her stomach dropped.   
“Hi, is Janet there? I’m so sorry about this, I think I’m going to have to take Kevin to A and E.”   
“Bianca?” Came from Emma.   
“Bibi?” Came from Liam.   
“Hey guys.” She looked back to the clearly harassed woman who then thrust the kid’s overnight bags into her hands. “Janet’s asleep, I can stay with them until she wakes up. It’s fine, really.”   
“Thank you, thank you. Tell her I’m sorry again!” She said as she ran back to her car, a pale face leaning against the back seat window.   
As she closed the door and they bundled through to the living room, Bianca used every technique she had at her disposal to steady her nerves. The type of training she had for shoot outs, not conversations with ten year old kids. She sat down beside them, unsure of what to say. As she watched them, she understood instantly all that Janet had said. They had lost the smudged innocence of their baby faces, were clearly mapping out their own worlds and ideas in their heads. They smiled at her, not suspicious, but curious.   
“Is mum still sad?” Emma asked.   
“She is. And that’s ok. It’s ok to be sad sometimes. But she’ll be fine.” Bianca wanted to ruffle her hair, make some kind of contact, but she held off.   
“Kevin puked. It was yellow and brown. It was all over the floor and there were like, bits of carrot.”  
“Liam! That’s disgusting.” Emma said. Bianca tried not to laugh, appreciated the graphic description and the strength of Emma’s response.   
“Do you still like video games?” He asked.   
“Of course! I’m a bit rusty though so you’ll need to go easy on me.” He grinned at her, jumped up to fetch his bag. Emma was staring at her, sizing her up, a shadow of Janet in her as she did so.   
“Can I watch something on Netflix?” She asked.   
“How about...I call in a pizza and you pick a movie?”   
Emma smiled, explained that she didn’t actually eat the pizza like Liam and mum when they ordered one, that she preferred a side of chicken strips and mozzarella bites.   
“Your wish is my command.” 

When Janet heard the loud and clear voices of her kids and looked at the clock, she thought she was dreaming. She had been asleep for three hours, far more time than she had intended. It made no sense. She got to the bottom of the stairs and observed some kind of miracle, for which she would be eternally grateful. Bianca was in the middle of the sofa. Emma was at one side giggling at the tv and Liam was on the other; device in his hands, leaning in against Bianca, his face animated and full of affection as he turned to show off his gaming skills to his old friend. When he sensed his mum’s presence he looked up.   
“Mum!! Kevin barfed all over the house. It was great!”   
All three looked around. She didn’t recall ever seeing Bianca so content.  
“We saved you some pizza.” She smiled, as Janet made her way over to join them.


	7. Chapter 7

It only took a couple of months for them to achieve the look of a frayed and well worn family. They gathered their things from a morning spent wandering and mucking around in the park, and Bianca laughed at their collective dishevelment; Liam’s odd socks, the food stains on Janet and her own sweaty ponytail that had more hair out than in. Emma had long since taken over responsibility for choosing her outfits, and was easily the most presentable. But even she had a host of buttons in the wrong holes to go with her rosy cheeks. Bianca had a theory, which she applied to the other families they passed on their way out. It seemed to her that the more responsibility and pressure put upon the adult members by their careers, the more laid back their approach to the weekend. When she saw families neatly turned out, spotless and stylish as if stepping out from a photo shoot, she could only assume that they had energy to spare. Energy that she and Janet did not. Bianca led a team who were under enormous pressure to get results, and Janet was the newly appointed director of the DPP. In her mind, that was why they were an absolute mess. A loving and adorable one, but a chaotic mess all the same. She wouldn’t change it for the world.  
Bianca was enjoying being the protagonist in her own life. Found it to be addictive. What she was starting to understand was that there were two kinds of people in the world when it came to making decisions; those who made one and then figured out how they would achieve it, and those who weighed up endless possibilities before making a final choice. Janet was the former, and had been bulldozing her way through life as she saw fit. Bianca, like most people, was part of the second category, and would hum, haw and contemplate every move before embarking on any course of action. Not only that, she would further cripple herself by factoring in the feelings of those around her. And that is why she spent great stretches of time sitting with feelings that really should have developed into more than words in her head. It was the source of her strengths, but as is so often the way, she could see that it was behind her problems too, and she wanted to try and do more for herself. She was no longer content to exist as someone whose main purpose was to take care of another person. Another person who was making all the important decisions. She was increasingly acting on her own impulses; some big and some not so much. When she wanted to tell Janet something, she did. If she had an idea about their time together, she expressed it without sizing up the ramifications. When Liam took her arm, her free one cradling a soccer ball, she thought about how long it would take to unpack everything back at the house, the bomb site that would become of the kitchen as they prepared lunch, the effort it would take for her and Janet to clean it up. It was an event in itself, as every meal or movement was for a young family, and she didn’t want Janet exhausted before they even arrived at the restaurant tonight. She wanted her fully charged.  
“I’ve got an idea.” Bianca said. “How about...we go for pancakes, my treat.”  
As the kids threw their fists in the air, shouting proclamations of joy, Janet gave her a look of gentle chastisement. She had told her a few times now that she didn’t need to spoil the kids, that she had the rest of her life to do that, and there was no rush for the host of activities she was packing into their days. But Janet could never stay annoyed at her for very long. And she couldn’t be bothered with the fiasco of lunch at home either. Her frown disappeared.  
“Sounds great.” 

When they arrived at the pancake place, finding a booth and taking their seats, Bianca was heartened to observe Emma voluntarily take up the space beside her. Could see that Janet clocked it too. They settled, talked through what they wanted to eat. Liam asked for a side of chocolate sauce that his mum wouldn’t normally approve. When she said yes, as long as he shared it, he nodded vigorously and thought how funny it all was, that his mum said yes to a lot of things these days.  
As they waited, Janet made enquiries about homework, made sure they were up to date and ready for the coming week. Emma was on top of it, explained the project they were doing about the human body.  
“So all I need to do now is to make a copy of someone’s finger prints beside mine. To show they’re unique. Can I do yours?” She said to Bianca. She smiled and said of course she could.  
“And! Twins even have different finger prints. Though, some people are born without any.” Liam said.  
“Really?” Bianca laughed, “Everyday’s a school day.”  
“No it isn’t. Not a Saturday.” He pointed out.  
“What I meant was, that you learn something new every day, even when you’re not in school. Even when you’re a grown up.”  
“Even teachers?”  
“Even teachers.” Bianca smiled. Saw Janet smile too.  
“Even Mum?” Emma said.  
All eyes turned to Janet, who decided now would be a good time join in, “Especially mum.” She drank some of her coffee, smiling eyes on Bianca throughout.  
When the food arrived the talking stopped, and they happily worked their way through the fruit laden stacks, the kids lost in thought about what it was adults might have to learn about and Uncle Tony’s visit tonight. Janet and Bianca’s thoughts were on the evening they were about to share together, the first real date night they had experienced in some time. Bianca was nervous about it. She considered where her new found agency had taken her a couple of weeks ago. To the website of an old school friend who designed jewellery. To the enquiry page where she explained what she had in mind for Janet. And, when she saw the results, to the page for bank details where she had no second thoughts about confirming the purchase. She was waiting for the right moment, and although this was a wonderful one, it wasn’t quite right. The waitress was surly and the other people around them were not enjoying the domestic bliss that was their current frame of reference.  
“Why don’t you guys go and try out the arcade games.” Janet said, giving them some money. Watching as they ran for freedom.  
“How are you feeling about seeing Lisa?” She asked.  
“Fine. Won’t be the easiest conversation I’ve had but I think she already knows what I’m going to say. She normally does.” Bianca glanced at her watch, she still had plenty of time to get to the apartment.  
Janet changed the subject, put on a coy face, was looking to play.  
“So. Any plans for this evening?”  
Bianca grinned. Loved when she did this. Loved when she could attempt to outwit her with words, as she often did. It felt like being sixteen again. “Hot date actually. Kind of looking forward to it.”  
“Really? Who’s the lucky girl?”  
“Just the head of the DPP, no big deal. She’s alright. Grows on you eventually.”  
Janet did her best to conceal a throaty laugh, kept up the pretence.  
“I’m sure you’ll show her a good time.” She pierced a stray strawberry with her fork, dipped it in the chocolate sauce, put it in her mouth, slowly pulled the fork from between her lips. She had found Bianca’s kryptonite. When it came to physical flirting she had to fold, every time. Janet watched, completely infatuated, as her eyes fell shyly to the floor. She switched to professional mum mode instantly when the waitress arrived to collect their plates.  
“Ready to go?” She asked. Bianca shifted in her seat. 

Janet went all out for dinner. Wanted to make an effort. Recognised that they had been through a lot, and any happiness they could afford each other was long overdue. After the unforgettable night they spent together was abruptly halted the next morning with news of her mum’s condition, Bianca had provided unwavering support. When it came to the DPP interview process, she had accepted without question that it had to be her focus; listened to her presentation, made helpful suggestions, had obviously been amused by watching her earnest arguments about why she was the right person for the role. Bianca had joked that she could probably answer with ‘Because I’m Janet fucking King that’s why’ and still be the successful candidate. It had made her laugh fully and properly when she needed the sense of perspective. It had made her stop what she was doing and take time out to have Bianca right there and then on the sofa, print outs and notepads thrown to the floor. And then Bianca had been consumed by her own crisis at work for a number of days. In some ways it felt like they had hardly been together at all. It was only in the past two weeks any attention had been spare for their fledgling relationship. As she put on a black dress and heels, she wondered if she had ever given Bianca her sole and undivided focus. Had she ever used her full force on her, aside from that week long ago in Fiji? The answer was no, she had not. And she was going to put that right.  
When she arrived at the restaurant; upmarket, exclusive, befitting of her new title, she was not surprised to find she had arrived first. She wasn’t sure that the conversation with Lisa would be that straightforward. No matter what had taken place during their last exchange, it was a stretch to imagine that a previously loving partner announcing she was moving in with someone else would be welcome news. She ordered a large glass of Sauvignon Blanc and prepared for what could potentially be a lengthy wait. Spent a few quiet moments focussing on her breathing; in through her nose, out through her mouth - expending all thoughts of work. Savouring the taste of her wine, the soft candle light, the ambient music. Her mind was burnished with thoughts of Bianca. The fruits of adult labour. It was time to enjoy her life.  
As that thought floated through her mind, she saw her. Bianca was in a black and red floral dress, a low cut wrap around that pulled into her waist. Janet observed her as she looked around nervously searching for her. She recalled their earlier conversation - Bianca had said that she didn’t feel inferior in places like this, she just didn’t really care for them, and felt like a tourist - and yet here she was; dressed up, ready to celebrate, right beside her after all this time. Looking as beautiful as she had ever seen her. Their eyes finally met. Janet rose to greet her, put an arm around her, tenderly brushed her face against the side of Bianca’s to whisper that she looked incredible.  
“As do you.” Bianca smiled, taking her seat. She ordered a glass of wine. Asked if Janet got away alright, found it difficult to maintain eye contact, was glad when the wine arrived.  
“How did it go with Lisa?” Janet asked.  
“It was ok. She’s able to take on the lease that’s not a problem.” Bianca took a drink, wasn’t sure how the next part would be received. “She asked if I would give a character reference. For her adoption application. I said yes. Could mean I’m still in touch quite often.” She watched as Janet processed it quickly. She didn’t seem concerned. Any jealousy Janet had felt was only present when Bianca wasn’t officially hers. Now that she was, her confidence wouldn’t budge.  
“Good, I’m glad that you can do something for her.”  
They looked over the menu, ordered champagne. When it arrived Bianca raised her glass, “To your new job. I’m proud of you.”  
Janet raised hers, “And to us. To second chances.”  
Their glasses touched. They drank as they gazed at each other. There was far too much of the evening left to go for what was currently occupying Janet’s thoughts. She tried to distract herself, “You never told me how you and Lisa met. Through work I presume?”  
‘“Yes. She was a probation officer and I was her supervisor. A couple of years into the job she hit a rough patch, was drinking too much. We had a lot of intense conversations, one thing led to another.” She took a drink, “We were together for ten years.”  
“Ten years? You never said.” Janet sat back to make room for the waiter to lay down their starters.  
“You never asked.” She was gentle, but it was a reminder to Janet that she hadn’t always been so attentive. “For the last year or so she was having an affair. We were just friends by that point anyway.”  
“Still must have hurt.”  
“It did. But then three months later... a very assertive prosecutor requested me for her commission. I haven’t really been the same since.“ Janet laughed, enjoyed her entrance into Bianca’s story. What she wanted to do was go over and kiss her. She settled for a touch of her hand across the table for now.  
They covered other emotive topics throughout the course of the evening, but most of their conversation was light and flirtatious. Janet was worried that Bianca wasn’t enjoying herself. She kept looking around, had been to the toilet twice already. She was distracted. Janet was looking for a way to convey the ferocity of her attraction, how much she loved her, to make clear that she wanted nothing more from life than for her kids to be well and for Bianca to be at her side. It struck her that there was only one way she could really do that. She had no ring and had no plan, but she would make it happen somehow. Lay the groundwork tonight at the very least. But she had no idea where Bianca stood on the subject.  
“I want to ask you something. And I know, we’re only just - It’s not been that long since we’ve been back together. It’s just that, when I look at you...I know what I want. I know what we are. And I want to make it perfect, I want to make it real.”  
“I do too.”  
Out of nowhere, before their dessert had even arrived, Janet made a decision.  
“Could you ever imagine being married. Is that something you might want?”  
“Janet I...” Bianca looked crestfallen, disappointed even.  
“What?” She panicked. Realised she had made a mistake.”Look, if it’s not something you want that’s fine I just need you to know that...”  
"That's not it." She looked at Janet, trying to scramble a rescue operation. She was disappointed that this wasn't going to be the fairytale moment she had planned. That Janet had somehow beaten her to it even when she had tried to wrestle the initiative. She was going to have to come clean. "Yes being married to you is something I might want. To the point that I did some research, got a ring and everything. I was waiting until we finished dessert."  
"No you didn't..." Janet rolled her eyes. As much as she liked to be teased by her, this was a step too far, even for Bianca. She took a drink, continued to stare. When Bianca's face didn't return to its normal cheer she knew there was something wrong. That this might not be a joke.  
"It's in my bag right now." She leaned over and after a few moments presented it to Janet, who was in shock. It wasn't an overly complicated design, but it wasn't simple. There were four clear stones, two larger ones in the middle and two smaller ones at either side, set in a double band of white and rose gold. "You kind of stole my thunder. But yeah, who needs the fairytale right? It's been on my mind too. You are everything to me Janet. I will if you will..." She closed her eyes, took a deep breath. She was determined to do it properly. "Will you marry me?"  
Janet was stunned. At Bianca's plotting and risk mostly, but also that the world had contrived to give her this chance at all.  
"Yes...An unqualified yes. It's gorgeous. How did you even...?" She wanted to give her more. "You know, I didn't think there was much more I could want. But there is. I want everyone to know how much I love you."  
"I love you too" Bianca said. And then, "Can we get out of here? Celebrate in a real bar?"  
Janet smiled, tried on her ring. Held out her hand to get a better view. "Whatever my future wife wants she'll get."  
Bianca smirked, "I'll hold you to that."


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to anyone who has read any or all of this. I hope it made you smile. That's it finished! Back to the day job...

Janet had a thing about first days. You had to get them right. For her, that meant being early, staking out the ground before anyone else was in the building. Watching it slowly come to life from the new stance. It meant placing family pictures beside your computer. She beamed at the one of Bianca and the kids in the park before they had gone for pancakes, loved the fact that it was far from perfect.  
When she looked to the pile of manila folders to her left, the actual work she was here to do, the work that could wait until the office was thrumming with life, she noticed some distinctive writing on a post it. It was Owen’s, and it said, ‘Consider this a parting gift. Bianca can explain.’  
As she slowly placed the folder in front of her, leafed through its many documents, it occurred to her that she didn’t think it possible she could love Bianca more. Until the contents of this folder had proven her wrong. She reached for her phone. Straight to voicemail.  
“Hi Superintendent Grieve, this is Janet King the Director of the DPP here. I’ve just come across a very interesting file on your team’s Intelligence work on Darren Fawkes. If you could get back to me so we can clarify the details that would be great. Only, don’t call after office hours. I have a very possessive fiance and a wedding to plan.”  
She held her phone in front of her, smiled at it for far too long. Was interrupted by Sarah, who offered her one of the coffees in her hands.  
“Thank you Sarah. I need this.”  
“You’re welcome. Looking forward to your first day?”  
“Now that I have a dozen charges rubber stamped by the AG against this monster I am.”  
Sarah looked at the documents Janet had laid out.  
“Looks interesting. Let me know how I can help.”  
“Actually, we should talk about your next steps here, I’ll pencil some time in later this week if you like.” Janet cleared the files away, didn’t see how happy she had made Sarah with her comment.  
“That would be great,” Sarah looked at the pictures on her desk, “Hey isn’t that...”  
“That’s Superintendent Grieve...My fiance.” Janet could not keep the smile from her face whenever she said that. It appeared to be permanent.  
“Aw sweet. Congratulations.” She said, as Janet’s phone started to buzz.  
“That’s her now actually. Excuse me.” Sarah left her to it, closed the door shut.  
“Hey” Janet said.  
“Hey yourself. Possessive?”  
“I fucking love you. Do you know that?”  
Bianca laughed for a bit. Could picture Janet’s face as she said it.  
“yeah I'm starting to get that. You found the file then.”  
“I did.”  
“You were right. He was ditched after a few too many false moves. It suited Owen to make an example of him. I was happy to help.”  
“And happy to keep it from me.”  
“Of course. It was a lot of fun. Though I thought you were going to hit me after the carrier pigeon comment...Look I need to go, I’ve got a bit of a crisis going on here. It would appear some people don’t actually understand the fundamentals of their job.”  
“But I don’t want you to go.”  
“Well, you’ll see me tonight.”  
“I can see you right now, in the picture on my desk.” She waited for Bianca’s witty response. Was confused when it wasn’t forthcoming. “Bianca...are you there?”  
On the other end of the phone, Bianca was coming to terms with how it felt to achieve an ambition she didn’t even know she had; to be the woman in the photo on Janet King’s desk. She told Janet that she loved her, but that she really did have to go. Made plans to get a photo of Janet and the kids for her own desk. And then she gave herself a few moments alone to let the enormity of her happiness sink in.

**Author's Note:**

> Not my characters or show etc. If it was would have ensured a series 4 to stop us all going insane.


End file.
